Your Stronger Than You Know: A Story of Heroine and How It Screws Up Everything!

As I stood on the front lawn of the where her memorial service was held, I was in awe of how many people attended. It was a very excruciating painful day for everyone. I had just seen her at work on Friday before her death. If I had known it was the last time I would ever see her, I would have said more. I think everyone who knew her felt the same way. Nineteen years old and gone. The pain of this loss only compounded by the fact that there had been five funerals in a matter of months for beautiful souls I had known since they were in pre school. All with bright futures and dreams. My oldest child was inconsolable pointing out that it should have been her who had died not her friend. I stood on the front lawn bawling and I said what I was thinking… the truth! You see after five funerals I felt I had no choice but to tell the truth and hope that someone attending would do what was right. I said to a friend… ” Lets be honest.. Apparently, dealing your friends bad heroine, doesn’t seem to stop this insanity. So lets look at it from a financial standpoint. They know their product is bad and has killed several people. It cant be good from a financial standpoint, but morally its MURDER!!!” After the first person died they kept dealing it and it continued to kill people so they cant say they did not know.. therefore they have no soul, no conscience, and are an oxygen thief. So someone needs to turn them in before more of you die. All the lives destroyed, all the pain, and all the suffering that will continue to exist is immeasurable! I will remember them all as the kind souls they were.” I almost had to carry my oldest away.

This last memorial service was one of the hardest things I have ever had to attend for several reasons. It was at the tail end of my oldest child’s journey with drug addiction. The young lady had who passed, had been clean for quite awhile. Her last conversation with  me was about my oldest child and how her battle was going. She wished her the best and told me she was proud of her for fighting her demons. Then something happened and it took only one time and her father found her in the bathroom with the needle in her arm. Dead! It was discovered pretty quickly that the bad heroine these five people in my area had was tainted with fentinol. It had also gone around another part of Vermont killing several people there, as well as New York before and then finally into New Hampshire. I know the battle she fought not from the standpoint of an addict but as a mother who would and did everything she could to fight my oldest child’s demons. For the past three years life would never be the same.

If you took a survey of every kindergarten class and asked what they wanted to be when they grew up, I guarantee you’d never hear.. I want to be an addict. Yet it happens so fast. In my child’s case it was due to prescription pain killers that this journey started. According to the CDC in 2013 there were almost 44,000 deaths due to prescription drug use. There are tons of other studies that have been done over the years in which many people are on multiple pain killers so when trying to get clean, your not suffering from just one painkiller your dealing with more. Another fact is that many pain killers are opioids: meaning they come from opium…Oh so does heroine…Go figure! Now think about this for a moment. Even as  small child, kids have been given painkillers for surgeries and for breaking bones from bike accidents etc. In most circumstances when taken correctly, people can manage pain with pain killers and live normal lives. However, there are some who can not handle it. I can not and will not speak to anyone else’s situation other than what I have dealt with. When my child decided to get off the pain killers, I went to every single doctor appointment with her. At first the doctor gave an explanation of her needing to continue to be on them and upped her dosage. With in few weeks she decided she definitely needed to not be on them any longer since she had just discovered she was pregnant. They sent her to a specialist to get her off them. During that doctor appointment, we were both informed she would not be allowed to because the baby was addicted and I quote ” He could die if we take you off what we are giving you.” This went on for months. We found out later my grandson had spina biffida. Now again I can not get a definitive answer on whether the pain killers originally prescribed or the drugs they gave her to get her off the original medication were to blame. I do know that what we all ended up with from her treatment was a person we never started out with in the first place. I ended up with a kid who was a full fledged heroine addict from the treatment they gave her to get her off of percocets.

I wont go into every detail of what a nightmare that whole journey was. I will say she stole, she lied, she sold items I gave her, she traded gifts given for drugs, she overdosed, I had drug dealers with guns show up at my house demanding money from me, there were murder hits put on my youngest child at one point. I was informed this by law enforcement. After it got even worse, I could no longer allow her to be around my house. Every time I went with her somewhere I had to look over my shoulder. Her younger sister was not allowed to be around her for over a year. The whole thing was horrible. I didn’t sleep, I was always preparing myself for that phone call. The one where they told me they had found her body. The parents worst nightmare call. There was no rationalizing with her once you get to a certain point in the addiction, you blow smoke up everyone’s rear and to their face. When I would call her out on something, I would get lied to. Oh the way the lies flowed… it was almost believable. Being that she was an adult and did not live with me, the easier it was to lie and blow smoke. You see everyone has a rock bottom. Well every time I thought she hit it, NO it got worse.

Finally, one day she decided to take herself off the treatment completely. At the same time I had realized that if your treating someone for and addiction they don’t have with something you give people who do suffer from that particular addiction, then you get a heroine or meth addict. In researching it further, I found that they should never have given her the other medication. So at least she had presence of mind to take herself off everything. That was hard and crappy. Watching your child or someone  you love be drug sick is horrible. It is not just for a day or so it was for over a week. That’s ten months ago. Every day she will continue to struggle. Every day she has to fight her demons but she is stronger than she knows. I believe in her.

In looking back on this whole crappy road, it cost a great deal. I don’t have my grand kids anymore. I almost lost my child. I’ve watched other kids I knew die because of heroine. It is a terrible drug. So for those who are fighting the demons, never give up. You are beautiful and you are stronger than what you realize! I have so much respect for you who are fighting the demons. For those who are thinking you need help, please take that step because there are very good treatment centers with people who care out there. You just have to find one.

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Update: What to do when Life Gives You Lemons….Shift focus

This entry has a serious tone to it. I decided to actually start another blog for my more serious topics. Those are the ones that bring attention to issues that seem to plague us. Lets face it the economy stinks, companies are poisoning water sources, etc. So I figured that maybe by looking into some of this I could at least help someone else who is going through rougher times than I am. So I hope you will check it out at some point. eonadelphia2.worldpress

No I am not Ignoring You… I Am Lost in My Music So I Don’t Have to Feel: Following the Final Wishes from Someone who is Dying of Cancer.

No I am not Ignoring You… I Am Lost in My Music So I Don’t Have to Feel: Following the Final Wishes from Someone who is Dying of Cancer..

No I am not Ignoring You… I Am Lost in My Music So I Don’t Have to Feel: Following the Final Wishes from Someone who is Dying of Cancer.

      I don’t want to feel! Nope not one bit! If it was not such a slippery slope I would be drinking right now. But instead I have spent the last two days blaring my music so loud so I block everything out! I just don’t want to feel! A few months ago, my sister was diagnosed with cancer. By the time the insurance kicked in.. it had gone from stage 2 to stage 5. They finally were able to do surgery. There were 7 tumors the didn’t see with all the tests they did. It was also in her lymphatic system. This is the immune system. So after the chemo and radiation they left her on cancer meds for the rest of her life. My sister just turned 40 this September. Oh I should also mention she was going to work throughout this whole ordeal. The very real fear of losing her house because she would have to loose time from work is the main reason for this decision. So back to the cancer meds. Well… apparently they also cause blood clots and that can cause a heart attack. Well that is exactly what happened Monday. So my question and its rhetorical…How in the hell does this happen?!! What do you mean the cancer meds often cause blood clots which can lead to a heart attack! So basically because the cancer has ruined your immune system you need to be on medication for the rest of your life. But it can and often kills people because it causes blood clots. How much more crap does a person have to go through? Again its rhetorical.

      So in calling the hospital 2000 miles away….I got my final instructions from my sister. Yesterday I remember screaming over the phone at her… I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want her to keep telling me that ” No matter what happens, it was going to be ok!” ” Its only a matter of time before I die. You have to remember I love you and want you to be ok. Well, Its not ok! The very sad fact is that she is right! When you go through cancer and it goes into stage 5 your screwed! You have no immune system. So if she recovers from the heart attack, its a matter of time before something else takes her life. I do not wish it, but that was what she was trying to tell me. Her point is that if she dies… she does not have to go through more crap and the pain that she’s been in for months now and therefore… Its ok. If she survives longer… we have her and its ok. Maybe her faith is stronger than mine! All I know is that because of the insurance process being what it was when she was first diagnosed to the time she had surgery was months. That is NOT ok. Many people go through the exact same thing and many people die because of it. Its NOT ok! Cancer meds that cause blood clots and effect the heart is NOT ok! So yes this Thanksgiving I am blasting my music because it blocks out the pain. I just don’t want to feel.

       I will do the typical holiday dinner but with the people I really want to be around. Kids have a great way of grounding you. I am grateful for the time I have with my sister. I am trying to do what she has asked me to do. Remember its all OK! 

Happy Birthday to Me! Wish Granted, I get a Rebirth of Sorts: Recovery from Domestic Abuse!

In a week I will be celebrating my 44th birthday. I don’t like the 44 part. It is not the normal reasons most people give in their 40’s. It is because my life began a bad journey when I turned 22 and has not been fully rectified until about four years ago. I am not at all where I thought I would be or where I want to be but I am getting there.

In previous posts, I have stated that I was raised that you help people, you never turn your back on people and all that stuff. These are awesome qualities to have. However, not all people are raised with the same moral compass and there are people who are awesome con artists and manipulators! I met and married one. To say that I was misled would have been an understatement to say the least. To say I was a bad judge of character is a wrong assumption as well. I have always been a good judge of character. But when you are working three full time jobs at one time.. You don’t always know someone as well as you think you do. You don’t always see the warning signs because.. YOUR NOT EVER HOME TO SEE IT!!! Still I own it or my part in it. And that not knowing for years almost cost me my life.

When I was able to finally give up two jobs and only work one.. That is when I wanted to know who in the hell did I marry? I won’t go into every incident of abuse. I have dealt with it and I don’t want to traumatize readers and have them all having to spend time on a therapist’s couch. I will leave it as I was almost killed three times and I have been burnt with cigarettes and I have been dounsed in gas before. I left him twice and both times he followed and stalked me and threatened to kill my children and family. He showed up and called my family to prove he could do this. Being what I had been through…I know what he is capible of and have no doubt what he couIt wld do.

So after many years… I finally left for the last time. It was a very long time before I would forgive myself for being conned and manipulated as badly as I had been. After a year or so, I began to be able to breath again. I have been asked ” Why didn’t you just leave him?” Well as I said I did twice before and he terrorized the people I loved. He got me fired from jobs I had worked for for a long time. During year two… I decided that I could finally have dinner with a friend. No I was not safe and I knew I would always have to look over my shoulder. I still do and its been six years since we have been married. After my dinner date I decided that I could have more dinner dates. I met and began dating a wonderful man about 2 1/2 years after my divorce. My ex sent word that he would kill me if I continued to have a life. I decided that I was going to anyways. By that time my ex husband had moved over 100 miles away and was involved in relationships of his own. I decided that he may kill me, even though we were divorced, but I would die happy. What I was living for the years I was divorced from him was not happy and not healthy.

So moving forward to last year…I had been in a relationship ( my dinner date became a long term friendship) I had not heard anything from my ex husband in years when all of a sudden he resurfaced again. Apparently he had caused a domestic violence situation where he was living and had to flea back to my area. Could he stay low and leave me alone? Of course not! That would be too darn simple. So I am at work one day where he sent people in to threaten me just so I would know he was still around. The fear and fight mode that I had learned to leave behind was back in an instant!

It is a very strange thing spending months waiting for your worst enemy to kill you. It is strange watching over your shoulder every second waiting to die. I went to my friends and family who all knew what had happened over the years. I notified law enforcement. I was told to get a gun. My children now grown with kids of their own all started carrying guns. Never knowing if he would strike or hurt them. It was a very bad few months. Thankfully nothing happened. I was told by several people that they all saw he had been carrying a gun. He is like a bad nightmare that just doesn’t go away. In the last year he has moved twice and has had two other girlfriends. When he is involved with other people he forgets about me. Right now he is dating someone else and so it has been months since he he bothered me. I am and always will look over my shoulder because I know that the peaceful life I have managed to establish for myself can and will be broken again.

After last winter of waiting to die…I decided that I am no longer going to do this. He may or may not get me but we have not been married in over six years and I have moved on in my life. My friend and I have been together for going on four years now. He is a saint to have continued to be my friend through all of this crap. But this is what it is CRAP! and it is my ex husband’s not mine! I do not acknowlege his existance at all nor anyone in his family’s. It may be unfair but it is survival!

So I said a few years ago ” If I could go back and redo my 20’s over again I would redo it with all the wisdom I have now and my ex would never have existed in my life. Well I am going to be 44. I got to thinking about all of this and I have made the decision to be 22 again for the second time. I have all the wisdom I have now. I survived! He didn’t kill me… He took away pieces of my life and sanity through what he has done. But I am a survivor and as long as I use what I have learned to move forward in this positive life of mine, I am not giving him the power and satisfaction to control or hurt me any more.

That drives him crazy I am sure. The whole reason to harass me is for control and for no other purpose. I still fight bouts of depression and looking over my shoulder. But I refuse to allow it to engulf me like it used to. It took years to be able to look myself in the mirror and see I was worth something. It has been through the love and support of my family and a wonderful friend that I have made improvements and have been able to let go of the past. Every scar, broken tooth I have I owe to my ex husband. It is a constant reminder of how you can not always help people and that some people are liars and con artists. So as I approach my 44th birthday.. I get my wish. I get to be 22 again for the second time and get to do it all again my way. with years of wisdom and experience and a damn good sense of humor. He is nothing… He does not exist in my world.

       I posted on my facebook page that ” the one constant in life is change.” It is a word that either gives power or takes it away. If I am making the change, I am giving myself power. If someone else is making a change it tends to take power away because I am not in control. Its a funny word. Not all change is bad as we all know. But it is a scary word and people fear it. 

      My life has definitely changed in the last year. It is about to change again. No not by my control either. You see when we deal with other human beings… we can definately expect that there will be things that happen that are not of our doing. It is how we respond to the changes that either make things better or not. I tend to give things my all! Maybe it is how I was raised. I was raised by the generation that taught that you must be honest at all times, work hard for what you want and help other people along the way. Sometimes these qualities have seemed to have gotten lost somewhere. I have had a couple of jobs over the years that preached the same things but were not at all what they preached. Therefore a change had to happen. Corporations tend not to change…therefore the people who work there either change or else they become employed somewhere else and that is still a change.

       So how do you deal with the changes that happen in life? You stop fighting it! When there is something that is changing, it is time to take stock in yourself and take the positives and move on. I think I have gotten to the point in which I can move forward with some wisdom and courage. I recognize that I am having to make a change because things have become stagnant and I am needing to use my talents to meet other challenges in other places. Even though this is not by my own doing, I can see the purpose of it. Therefore, I have taken a very negative situation and I am now in control because I will take the lessons learned and apply it to life in some way. That way I can say Change can be empowering! 

Aside

CANCER SUCKS!!!!!!!!! A Real Look at a Twenty Year Old’s Journey

CANCER SUCKS!!!!!!!!! A Real Look at a Twenty Year Old’s Journey.

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